Change of Landlord: Pols Hide Out in East End

A Satircal Look at British Politics; 10 Downing Street relocates to Albert Square


By Nancy Teel

It was a predictable day in the East End of London. The market stalls were in full swing. The inhabitants were rushing, gossiping and bustling on a chilly May day. The Queen Victoria pub, off the garden Square, had its usual customers. Tracy, the part-time barmaid, was on duty. As she was wiping down the damp counter, energetic, hyper Nick Kegg approached her with his usual bravado. “Tracy, I need to talk to Gordon!” “Hello to you too, Nick.” “Sorry, Tracy, but I must find Gordon this very instant.” Tracy, used to Nick’s nervous demands, calmly replied, “He’s not at home. Shall I tell him that you need him………. again?” “Never mind!” snapped Nick. “As ever, Gordon Frown is the most useless pub owner in all of the East End. He’s never in when a customer needs him. And look at the state of this dump. It’s outdated, unclean and offers no incentives to WANT to drink here. Why don’t you offer Happy Hour prices or two-for-one appetizers, like they do in the States or in Europe? All I’m asking for is some consideration and………”

Interrupting Nick, Tracy said, “What can I get you to drink, Nick?” “Um, half pint, please.” “Fine. Go over and sit with David Camera in the corner booth.” “All right.” Turning his head, Nick examined the richest man in Walford, sitting alone. • At the other end of the bar, Sonia and Dot were half-listening to Nick Kegg’s latest rant. As soon as Nick quieted down and moved to David’s table, Dot said to Sonia, “Ooh, I say, that poor Mr. Kegg thinks that he can bully Gordon. And now that lovely Mr. Camera has to talk to him.”“Oh, I wouldn’t worry, Dot. David Camera knows exactly how to ignore Nick Kegg.” *

Carefully, Nick approached David. “Mind if I sit with you?” “Not at all, Nick. Please sit down.” On a normal day, David Camera would never glance in Nick Kegg’s direction. It was no mystery that the two men were from different worlds; indeed, it was a mystery why David Camera even lived in Walford at all. His accent was posh and his handmade shirts even posher. He was obviously brought up in a gentrified family, and rumour had it that his latest girlfriend was descended from the Churchills.

As the two men settled in to talk, Dot slowly made her way to the table. All smiles, Dot addressed the men. “Hello, David, and…….. Nick.” “Hello, Mrs. Branning,” responded David. Dot started, “I was wondering if everything’s all right? I mean, you look so sad and quiet over here. I was hoping that Gordon Frown hadn’t upset you. I know that he sometimes thinks he knows more than you, and that you two argue about many issues, but he yells ’cause he’s jealous – you being so rich and elegant and gentlemanlike, and he so tense. But he is smart, Mr. Frown, that I can give you and he’s been a business owner forever, and.” Nick interrupted Dot: “And he’s standing right behind you, Mrs. Branning.”

Slowly Dot turned to see Gordon behind her, glaring and pursing his lips. Dot started, “Oh, Gordon. I’m ever so sorry if you overheard something unpleasant. I was just saying to David and Nick here that you and David are both smart men, and………” Gordon interrupted Dot. “Don’t worry, Dot. The likes of David and Nick and you don’t bother me. I’m just here to talk to David. No, don’t go, Dot. You can hear this too.” Dot, expecting a shouting match to begin, backed up quietly, eyes wide with concern. Gordon stared down at David. “Waitin’ for me?” “Yes.” “Well, here’s the key.” “Thanks,” said David, putting his drink down and opening his hand. Gordon slammed the key onto the small table. “It’s all yours now, this ‘dump’, as Nick calls it. It ‘may’ take me a few minutes, but if it’s the last thing I do, I’ll find out how you bought my pub. Could have been Daddy’s money, your girlfriend’s contacts. But remember this………. you’ll ne-ne-never fit in round here, and I’ll be wa-wawatchin before you steal my house, the Arches, and my ca-ca-caff!!”

Gordon turned around and stomped out through the double glass doors before anyone spoke. David Camera picked up the keys from the table and faced a placid Nick Kegg. “Nick, care to share in my good fortune?” “Wha?” Nick gasped. “How about we put some of your modern ideas into practice?” The End …or the Start of a Weird Friendship?

strong. Amen.




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