Letter From Britain - Someone Explain it to Me Please!


By Melissa Berry




Holme On Spalding Moor, England—Believing myself to be a well seasoned traveler in the U.K.; there are still many, many things that still never cease to amaze and amuse me over here.

These are just a few of my observations! After being here nearly two months; these conundrums just continue to keep popping up!

How come during the course of the day I turn on the TV and 90 percent of what is on the telly is from America? (If only we were so lucky in the U.S. to get 90 percent of the shows from Britain!)

And why do they stop the nightly movie in the middle of it to put the news on and then resume the movie after? Does this allow time for a loo break and a proper cuppa if you aren’t interested in the latest happenings?

And how many times have I gone to turn on an appliance and forgotten to “flip the swtich” on the electrical socket that actually allows the appliance to come on? (Not the switch on the appliance—the one on the socket on the wall). I’ve been over here enough to know I have to do it, but I always forget. It seems silly to turn something on “twice,” but maybe that’s just me.

You would think that since Thomas Crapper (who was British) invented the loo, that the Brits would have a more “uniform” loo standard. Flushing can cause much frustration—especially in public places! Will the water take everything away via a pull chain, a handle you have to “pump,” an automatic sensor, or a flat plate (about the size of a tea saucer) that you press? Will the water tank be located behind the tank in the “more conventional method or on the wall—above your head? Not to mention, the fact that the water goes round and down in the opposite direction.

Why must the Brits to be so damn different?

And if you smoke, like I do, and like to rid yourself of ashtray remains via the loo so the house doesn’t smell like an ashtray—don’t even think about it! The blasted things REFUSE to go down the bog! (Maybe a nasty reminder that I really shouldn’t smoke?)

I’ve also noticed that most of the Brits I know wash their dishes in a dish pan that they set in the sink—and they don’t rinse the dishes. Then they dump the dirty dish water down the drain anyway! Why is that? The sink will still have to be rinsed regardless!

Where are all the petrol (gas) stations located? I know where the ones on the motorways are—but stations in towns and villages seem to be few and far between. And speaking of motorways—our fast lane is their slow lane. Nevermind having to drive on the opposite side of the road in the opposite side of the car!

An important thing to remember when driving: “Tiredness Kills! Take a Break.” “Rest areas” are “services” and there are much more to them than the obligatory bathroom, picnic tables and tourist info! “Layby’s” are everywhere—until you finally admit to yourself that you are lost. Then you can’t find any place to pull over to look at your map!

I won’t even start in on the “roundabouts,” which have directional markings painted on the road lanes themselves; which I can never see because the car in front of me has positioned itself firmly over the top of it.

And forget the signs posted because it never fails that a lorry will be in the way, and since I don’t have x-ray vision....sigh.

You can buy liquor in a grocery store (relevant to those of us from the south) and groceries in a Post Office. You also pay your car tax at the Post Office which also doubles (triples?) as a stationary or card supply shoppe!

Speaking of mail—if I have a large package coming to the house here and it wont fit through the post slot, and my door isn’t already wide open, (seems everyone here in Holme keeps their doors open most of the day if they in the house), then my post lady will open the door and set the package on the counter inside! Acceptable here but at home in the States?

Someone has finally explained to me what the little beige boxes are on the walls in the bathroom showers in older houses. It is an electrical water heater! I had previously thought this was just one more way for Brits to confuse Americans and laugh at us behind our backs. Sometimes I think things are harder over here than they need to be. Or maybe it is just that we Americans are spoiled—which has been my explanation many times when quizzed on why WE do things like we do.

The weather reports on telly have always made me laugh—though I do have it sussed now and realize that “fine” means relatively warm. “Freshening winds” means you have to lean into the wind to walk, and “mainly dry with some bright spells” means mostly cloudy, which is the forecast most of the time here in Holme on Spalding Moor!

Otherwise, life is great here on the other side of the pond!




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